Even Though This is Literally the Emptiest Advice Ever.
If your Valentine has faded, fear not:
1. Buy a t-shirt that says NAMASTE. Buy a bumper sticker. Now a mug. Nothing conveys your carefully studied not-alrightness like adopting an overused foreign word you only understand from yoga videos.
2. Let everyone know how much you’re going to ‘slay’ today with a five a.m. ‘WAKE, SLAY, CRAY’ post Each. Day. Of. The. Week. ‘Slay’ is a fierce, confident word that masks any indication you presently ugly-cry at pet food commercials.
3. SELFIES. How many is too many? Kidding! That’s a trick question. One a day, minimum. The right Instagram filter will turn that sobbed-out luggage under your eyes into silken Versace half-moons of radiance. La Tigre; Blue Steel; don’t hold back with your expression. Indulge a little Myspace Angles side-boob, ladies. Guys, shade in some abs with a fudgesicle or whatever. It’s not reality; it’s fake-ass nonsense to keep the dark maw of hopelessness at bay! After all, if you don’t love yourselfie, who will?
4. Devote yourself 98% to your hobby of Ancient Sumerian archaeology. That’s not your hobby? It is now! Your new hobby is esoteric and complicated, designed to impress, and something you’ve actually been doing for a super long time and didn’t just latch onto this morning, probably. No one currently holding you in a frenemy-hostage situation knows squat about your passion du jour, so post about it constantly! You’re a Google Historian, a Wikipedia Major, and you’re so f***ng fulfilled by it for the next three days until your impending emotional crisis hits like a Gulf state hurricane. Namaste, b*tches – I have a degree in Hellenic orphanages. Life is so amazing.
5. Happy Feet, anyone? That’s right: your broke-down life needs a fake-ass soundtrack to drown the anguished cries of your lacerated soul. Jack Johnson; something with a basic beat and easy lyrics you can wail from the depths of an empty bathtub where liquor fumes from your breath pose a medical hazard. Belt it out loud and proud; the man who did the Curious George soundtrack is currently the school paste holding your life together. It can only get better!
6. Gather your tribe. No, not like that. What are you even thinking? You’re not actually leaving the house or communicating with others. This is what stock images of nightclubs and bulls**t mobile check-ins are for. No, you’re staying inside with the curtains closed while the rats eat your twenty-year old wedding cake and you manipulate the tender feelings of a boy named Pip. But for ffs, do NOT tell this to anyone. You’re not just surviving; you’re thriving. Until six months from now when the fire department has to cut a wall to get you out. Until then, live your best life, gurl!
7. And finally, you have to get back into a relationship. You need a Plus One. You have to give your heart to someone else and move on. This is easier than you think because you will be completely in charge this time. And that’s because you learned from your previous mistakes, and your new amour will be carried out fifty-percent by another Facebook account YOU create! No one knows your needs, desires, and neuroses better than you. Why put up with with yet another person who holds you to unrealistic expectations and won’t pay your bail? You’re stuck with you anyway so…it seems meant to be.
Guys. It’s going really well. Like, I think I could be The One.